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This is so strange, but it excites me. This is crazy, which only encourages me. Before, I had no idea what my life would be like if I were to make the decisions I decided to make. Not knowing the future requires taking chances and trying our best in any given situation. I was clueless; I didn’t have proper direction. Now I’m about to change that. I’ll be that ‘older sister’ I never had. The one who’s loving and gives the right kind of push in the “right” direction. The one who doesn’t yell and demand, the one who understands and doesn’t judge. The one who really knows where I’m coming from and what fits me well. I am now visiting my room, taking the scenery in one last time. Once again, I am looking through older diaries, journals, and drawings. Except this time, I am storing them all into a box labeled “Originals”. This is the original me, the original pathway I’ve taken, the mindset I’ve had, and the thoughts I’ve hidden. Who knew they could all be stored into a simple box? It is time to visit my younger, 13 year old, Gina.

This basement is always so dark, but I know these walls and rooms with my eyes closed. There’s an inch of light along the bottom of the door as I hear the constant clicking sounds of the keyboard along with a giggle here and there. I don’t mean to scare her, I know she’ll think I’m Daddy but here goes nothing. *Knock Knock* “Yeah?” (as she closes IM windows). I walk in. Okay, she’s definitely creeped out, I look too much like her. She looks too much like me. I’m taken aback from actually being able to see my younger self. She’s speechless and waits for me to talk first. I snap back into ‘reality’ and begin to let her know who I am and my intentions with her are. I’m such a huge distraction from her talking to her guy friend online, that she ends up not sneaking out of the house to meet him 11:30 at night. I also let her know that only she can see me and that she is not losing her mind. She sees that there is life beyond what people know to be life. She sees that what is thought to be impossible, is actually possible. At first she is “refusing the call” for her to follow my word, that I am someone who will now have a big influence on her, that her whole life is about to change from what would have been a second ago. She eventually comes to terms to not only believing me, but trusting me. I can sense a taste of loneliness in her eyes, as if she didn’t know where her life was going. This snapshot of her eyes quickly darts to the door as the sound of our mom’s car tires roll against the gravel driveway, loud and clear.

Little Gina tells me to be quiet as she sneaks out the front door, creeps along the sidewalk behind the bushes, and waits behind the van to scare our mom. ‘Uhm-Mah’ (mom in korean), quietly shuts the door of her car and walks in her boots towards the sidewalk and “Ahhbulahhhalaala!!!!” goes the Little Gina. I see her inner “Innocence” come into play. Uhm-Mah’s heart jumps out of her body and as it returns she takes a deep breath. Some things never change. This would be the first change of the 8th grader’s life. Instead of sneaking out and lying about why she was outside when in confrontation with her mother, she ends up being the silly daughter that she is and scares her mother instead.

This prevents all the yelling and frustration that comes with the parents not believing the truth. A lot of the yelling came from my dad through accusing me of kissing and holding hands with Jack in the middle of the night, when really we were at least 6 feet apart the entire time. He is the father archetype in my life. He has held an authority role in the house, has taken charge, has been loving, protective, caring, and strict when necessary. At the time, I saw him as overprotective and overwhelming. We used to butt heads more often then not. I used to keep myself locked in my room the majority of the time I was home, blasting Linkin Park or Evanescence. Little Gina would get wrapped up in her own world with painting, puzzles, and drawings.

Instead of being accused of “not being part of the family” anymore, I encourage Little Gina to keep her door unlocked and wide open. This completely goes against her comfort zone, but she finally agrees to do so. I sit on her bed, amused at how badly she wants to close the door. But it is interesting how as the days progress, our parents individually visit her a little more and more. What has caught me by surprise are the mixed feelings Little Gina feels after they leave the room. I want Little Gina to welcome her own parents into her heart. I want her to understand that her parents love her more then she will ever know, until she has kids of her own.

This is the cycle of life. Like a man named Jon Riget said, “It takes two people to bring a person into this world”. It takes one male and one female to bring another human being into the world. As that person grows up, he/she will also intertwine with someone else to bring another being into the world. Generations are created through a man and woman having sex to reproduce. Babies are born, grow, live, die, and become a part of the earth. The earth is used through many cycles such as the water cycle, the carbon cycle, the nitrogen cycle, etc. We are living a cycle of life through the earth. Parents become teachers as children become students. The students grow into both learners and teachers, passing on knowledge to anyone who will listen. Little Gina has surprisingly been following my advice, whereas her original “Innocent” self would disobey behind her parents back to do what she wanted to do. She was focused on what she wanted at the time without thinking of longterm consequences and how much of an impact it would have on her psychologically, meantally, physically, and emotionally This led to her learning the hard way of what not to do. She also didn’t know how to cope with these new feelings of depression, a deeper anger, and jealousy. Her way of coping was through writing, which was a way of expression of her “Inner Self” and an unconscious attempt of finding herself.

The rants are buried in the “Originals” box. Not sneaking out also prevents the parents’ snooping of the Little Gina’s emails, which had led to banning her from the computer entirely except for the occasional school essays or projects. This was the original Gina’s “first threshold” on being limited on social contact with friends from school and beyond. She had her own group of internet friends who all became good friends with one another. She abruptly lost touch with them through being “Grounded” from the computer for months and months at a time. This was a big stage to overcome and get through since a social life was crucial to have in any youngster’s life. She felt excluded, alone, and trapped. She would often stay in the darkness of her room at night, crying herself to sleep at times. Poor little “Innocent” didn’t know the realities of the world beyond her own.

Little Gina could have stayed in touch with her two childhood best friends through AIM and myspace but this had ceased contact entirely. To this day, those two friends still have good hearts and good heads on their shoulders. These two girls can now become the friendship archetype one tends to find the hero with who guide, push, and encourage the hero through the thick and thin, the possible and “impossible”. I wish I had been able to keep in touch with them over the years and be able to visit one another every year. Because the banning of the Little Gina from the computer hasn’t happened in this second journey, she now has the chance to grow up with them throughout their teenage years. This will lead to making wiser decisions. The best friend from 4th grade would be a caretaker archetype, where she is a positive kind of person, caring, loving, and a sort of guide through leadership. In the original life, we both ended up going in a positive direction, being silly, loving My Chemical Romance, and having faith in Christ apart from one another. I feel that if we remained close friends the entirety of high school that I would’ve dealt with situations in a more positive way through high school. She would be the Christian archetype in my life, a good example of the good God does in the world. As for Cristina, she was my best friend since the kindergarten days through 5th grade. We had started writing letters to one another and found each other’s screen names online, but that ended with the banning of the use of the internet at home. I also used to keep in touch with a lot of friends outside of school through AOL Instant Messenger. Although this prevented friendships from growing closer, in this second journey it has not. This second journey of Little Gina includes the internet, closer positive friendships, and her parents trust in her. I’ve given her a sort of push to not lead a double life where she’s good at home but not outside the house.

I drop a piece of my perspective into Little Gina’s mind, to help her skip the unnecessary jealousies of the 8th grade. As I take a peek at her journal while she sleeps, I notice that she doesn’t write poetry. In fact, she hasn’t been writing much in it at all. The poems in the ‘Originals’ box are dark and moody. But this Little Gina hasn’t been feeling the same way the Original Little Gina did since the depression triggering events had not happened. A little disappointed in the lack of writing in the journal. It looks like she is happier at school without a frown on her heart. I also gave her a tip in not slamming her door out of any anger she feels towards her younger brother Ray. I let her know that she and Ray will become closer and more understanding of each other one day, in the hopes that this will be true if she heeds my advice. She listens to my advice, knowing that inside, she does want to get along with him. I am ready to leave Little Gina on her own for the rest of her 8th grade year.

A tearful ending to middle school leads to the excitement of a new year, a larger school, more people, and new faces. It’s a quick transition from being on top of the school to becoming a little freshie. This is where I see my Young Gina become someone else’s Lover through her first high school relationship. This is where she needs all the help she can get; therefore, this is where I come in. I am her spiritual guide, the one giving her a sort of mission to accomplish.

I recognize that my first relationship led me to my own “belly of the whale” because of how broken I had become from it all. Every new problem, fight, happiness, giddyness, excitement, sadness, betrayal, disapointment, brokenness, feelings of love, and jealousy was just that; new. As I guide Young Gina in a healthier, positive direction, I keep in mind the explanation behind it all through the monomyth. When I betrayed my father’s general but not full, trust in me over and over again through the physical aspect of the relationship, I felt guilt. I felt dirty. I felt helpless. After a while, it was beginning to become pointless. I was simply playing the role of what an ideal “Lover” should be, or was thought to be. I still had my “Innocence” archetype in me, trying to hide that part of herself. The “Innocence” wanted her to go back home, to be in her dad’s arms on the couch watching tv. That is not what was happening. She was on a raft in a river without any paddles. She was allowing the current of the river control the direction she was going instead of realizing that the paddles are right at her feet. After this aimless fun, the “Warrior” in the original Young Gina took the paddles and steered the raft ashore. She was determined for this redundant act to end promptly. She was testing her boyfriend out without his knowing it. She wanted him to get to know her better, but that was happening due to his lack of boyfriend skills and her lack of communication skills. Original Young Gina had overcome the body’s desires once and was surprised at herself. She had followed through with what the warrior began; end this aimless ride, now.

To prevent this road of guilt, shame and galore, I whisper to Young Gina to stick to the living room with her boyfriend. I let her know she doesn’t have to stay with him behind closed doors. She’s allowed to say “No” and she needs to learn how to respect herself. I tug at her wrist to leave the scene, to kiss and hug her boyfriend goodbye, so we can take a walk down Easy Street. While I want to guide Young Gina in a purer direction, I also want her to learn things on her own so that she truly knows these things in her heart not just her mind. It would be a shame for her to learn the hard way later on in life instead of in a safe environment. I’ll give her credit for not losing her virginity to her boyfriend. While her reasons for not doing it then is a shorter list of reasons then what it is today, I am thankful that she did not feel ready for that. She simply was afraid of getting pregnant, which is a very valid reason for not having sex at the age of 13 and 14. While I’m not sure exactly what Young Gina will learn about the physical aspect of relationships through not trying it at all, that is the direction I have pushed her to at this point. She is enjoying a cleaner feeling relationship with John. Instead of the physical desires taking control, they are getting to know one another better then before. Less kissing, more talking. More talking, more listening. Young Gina is now experiencing a healthier kind of relationship then she would have been if she had taken the physical, lustful route of it all. Granted, once they get to know one another more, the physical can have actual meaning behind it and begin. For now, they are keeping it clean. I talk to her as an older sister instead of coming into her life as some witch archetype or fairy archetype. I prefer to come in a real and personal way. I introduce her to reality, what certain things tend to lead to. Relationships tend to end at some point, so I am not sure how Young Gina and John are going to end up. My guess is that their relationship will last longer then the original 3 months from the direction they’re now going.

In 9th grade, Young Gina has a Social Studies teacher, Ms.Boone. This is her first year of teaching straight out of college. Young Gina became one of her guinea pigs on how to run the classroom through trial and error. Ms.Boone is very young, beautiful, and full of laughter and life. While this can keep the class awake, the class is very distruptive. Young Gina wasn’t even supposed to be put into this general level, misbehaving class in the first place. After a trip to her guidance counselor to try and switch out of this class, she ends up being stuck in this class. She puts up with her teacher not being able to control the chaos occurring in the classroom. It isn’t until she gains respect from the class that Young Gina perks up and starts caring about both the teacher and her classmates. There are times where students come in and visit Ms.Boone during lunch hour and eat with her. Instead of staying in the busy cafeteria all the time, I encourage Young Gina to get to know Ms.Boone a little more and to let her get to know her too. I tell her how she’s always been so closed off when it comes to letting teachers in, that this is asking her to step out of her comfort zone again. It turns out that Ms.Boone truly cares about her students and is like no other teacher. She will really listen to you and do what she can to help you through your situation. She will even share her phone number so you two can talk incase of emergencies. As Young Gina pushes herself to open up more, she finds the first adult outside of her family that she can trust and rely on to build onto her character. Ms.Boone is like the “Goddess” archetype in the sense that she is motherly, loving, and watches out for her students as if they belong to her in a personal way. I’m trying to teach Young Gina to open up and let people in.

Thinking that Young Gina has learned to say “No” and to respect herself, she becomes curious behind my back. I was afraid of this, but knew this time would come. This is the time that Young Gina needs to learn for herself that her way can lead her wandering in the woods, away from the original path. I see the spirit of the “Temptress” goddess sneaking her way into Young Gina’s heart. I try to pull her out all I can but I have been cast aside. I am being forced to allow Young Gina to learn for herself; I can only protect her so much. What is growth without any pain? What is strength without ever feeling weak? What is happiness really worth if not an ounce of sadness entered one’s veins? Nothing is the answer to these rhetorical questions. They are nothing. When I thought I was preventing pain, I see now that I may have caused even more pain. The curiosity has grown so much that the temptation has grown even larger. Young Gina decides to stay the night at a friend’s house, but goes to the same party as her friend behind her dad’s back, knowing full well he did not want her at this girl’s parties anymore. For some reason Kelly hasn’t showed up this time. In the original path, Kelly and Gina were the only ones who did not drink at the party. As we know, drinking is a social friendship passtime. This is done in Pirates of the Caribbean, Titanic, and How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, and The Odyssey on the ship. This time, Young Gina is curious about all the things she’s been missing out on that she involves herself in a variety of tempting activities throughout the night. Young Gina refuses to smoke but accepts the sips of beer. I see the repulsion in her face but the bottle keeps getting passed to her again and again. She keeps going. She starts concentrating on the social aspect of it all, everyone laughing, Caleb streaking across the garage outside, music blasting, people dancing, and friends kissing friends. Her boyfriend is there drinking too with his arm around Young Gina. She starts to think this is great, until she gets pulled along with her boyfriend and finds him kissing the new girl. All I want to do is pull Young Gina out of the crowd and take care of her, but I can’t. I’m being forced to let this all happen, I can’t even turn my eyes away. It hurts to see the look of pain and confusion on my younger self’s face. I want to hold her, just hug her. I want to let her know he’s not worth it, that there will be better Lovers in the future. I want to tell her not to even worry about being a Lover at all. I see her push her boyfriend away from her as she crawls backwards into the nearest corner. Everyone else is oblivious, just having a good time. This is not the kind of night she had in mind. She just wants to go back to her friend’s house. Another crash and burn; someone has called her dad out of spite. I missed who called, but I see him walking with purpose towards the open garage. This makes my heart cry out to her. What will happen next?

Young Gina is still in the corner, everything has become dizzy for her. Oh, you naiive little girl, what have you done? You just went with the flow and gave into temptation. How can I blame you, I tried to keep you away but instead it led you to worse things when out of my control. I should not have sheltered you the way I did. I apologize, now please snap back to being or at least acting sober, our dad is here. He’s looking for you. He sees the kids passed out on the floor with beer cans rolling from their hands, the oblivious couple making out behind the fridge, John macking on some girl, and the only person missing is his daughter. He’s definitely getting boiled up, just as he’s about to yell out for his daughter, Young Gina looks up slurring her words, “Daddy? What are you–Wha–What are you DOing here?”. He is outraged, fierce, in disbelief. He grabs her by the coat and pulls her out of the garage all the way up the driveway. He pushes her into the van, and this whole scene blurs before my eyes. I am in tears of how this has turned out for my Young Gina. Things are far worse then what originally happened. Perhaps learning the physical aspect of relationships the hard way, without going ‘all the way”, was better after all. As I come to terms with this, I am able to protect Young Gina from any blows. Our dad fuses, “We’ll talk later, Gina. You probably won’t even remember one damn thing I say anyway, will you?” “What?”, asks the poor girl. He calms down by a notch or two and gently lifts her into her seat of the van. He buckles the seat belt for her and shuts the door, making sure her feet are in the vehicle. I sit in between our dad and my past self. It is so strange to see me this way, I have never been drunk before. I just hold her hand and smooth her hair, she has passed out in the wind.

The next morning was a rude awakening; her first hangover. Uhm-Mah has opened the blinds, opened the windows, and is banging a metal spatula against a black pan. It must be incredibly loud for Young Gina. She must go through the consequences of what she’s done. I am letting her be and letting my parents handle that portion. I will handle consequences for my own kids when I’m older. I am only here to help guide Young Gina in a positive direction and to help her make decisions. I can not control what will happen after she decides what she does. As time goes on, Young Gina does come to terms with both of her parents. But this takes even longer then the ‘original’ path because of the betrayal, sneaking around, lies, dating behind their back, and the drinking. Despite my attempts in Young Gina NOT losing her parents’ trust in her, she has ended up losing their trust either way. This scenario seems worse then what actually happened despite how much depression and anger I had bottled up in me. The nice thing about Young Gina though, is that she was growing with her parents at an earlier age through leaving her door open for them to come in as they please. I continue to encourage her to keep that door open despite how bent she feels right now from this whole thing. I want to see her atonement with her father so that their relationship can then grow. Our parents just want the best for “us” and want “us” to be open with them. It is a huge step for Young Gina to take to talk on a real level with her parents after doing this, but in doing so, helps them trust her more over time.

As high school continues, GinaB. continues to grow in her relationship with both of her parents and learns to cope with her feelings in positive ways such as writing, running, watching movies, spending time with friends, and keeping busy by having fun in the woods. Her parents got to know GinaB. more, and saw that she was just learning to live life. Instead of locking herself in her room all these years, she eventually began to spend more time outside of her room then in. She also took my advice in not slamming the door on Ray, her brother, or yelling at him at all. If she ever felt the need to yell or scream, “Simply walk away from him”, I said. Ray is able to let go of things but at the same time things can really build up for him. Be nice to him and he will treat you with the same respect as time goes on. Later on, GinaB. is more open to relationships, friendships, turning enemies into friends, loving herself and the world around, and to God. The more she loves and gives, the more love she feels and receives. Life is a cycle. Give and take. Live and Learn. Grow and share.

I have left Little Gina, Young Gina, and GinaB. I am now back in present day, sophomore year, at Indiana University of Pennsylvania. Thanksgiving break is coming up very soon and I will be taking a closer look at my room when I get home.
*****TIME PASSES, THANKSGIVING BREAK IS HERE******

 

I have brought my cardboard box of “Originals”. I pull out the diaries of Little Gina, Young Gina, and GinaB. I take a look through the different diary entries. This catches my eye:

April 5th, 2005

Hey, It’s Gina. Yup.
So. I’ve been going through much this school year, it’s crazy. I’m not even sure how to explain it. There was that time when I was really considering giving myself away to John. He was my first boyfriend and I thought that was what I was supposed to do. I felt like, maybe I was ready this time.
I wanted to see how far things would go. But something, tugged at my wrist. Okay, I know that’s weird. It’s a good thing no one else but me is reading this, but I seriously felt something tug at my wrist. It didn’t even creep me out. I don’t know. Just a voice, was telling me I should just leave.
Call it a day with him. So I did. He was put off by it, but it didn’t really matter. I was too curious about this, spirit or whatever you want to call it. I took a walk down my street. The clouds were GORGEOUS. Just saying. But yeah. It was nice to be outside. I didn’t even feel alone. Just, someone stronger, was in me. I didn’t feel like I needed sex or money or anything. I even contemplated the thought that maybe I should be single. But that didn’t make much sense, John and I loved each other. I think. Well anyway, it was cool. It was probably some sign to not give myself away just yet. Honestly, thank God. Heaven knows I wasn’t ready for that. Ha.

Love ya!

-Gina-

This entire time, she didn’t know I was there? Every time I spoke with her, she just saw through me? She felt my presence. She listened with her heart. I was connected with her spirit, I was living inside her. I was always, learning to love her. I can also love me. The kind spirit that I was, living in my past self, is still the kind spirit I have right now. A large difference is, that I need an outside kind spirit, to come live in me too. But this kind spirit has lived in me all along. I am Gina Bayne and I am my own best friend. I’ve stuck with me, whether I wanted to or not, but look, I am still here. I will continue to be here. Forever and Always.

 Pearson, Carol S. (Author). Awakening the Heroes Within: Twelve Archetypes to Help Us Find Ourselves and Transform Our World [AWAKENING THE HEROES W/IN]. New York: Harperone, 1991.

Hesse, Hermann. Siddhartha. Logan, Iowa: Perfection Learning, 1981.

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