My friend told me the other night or was it last night, I’ve lost track of time a long time ago, but anyhow he told me,

“This isn’t the end. This is the beginning. These aren’t the last 3 weeks. We have the rest of our lives.”

It’ll be different to leave IUP and not come back. And no, I don’t plaster it all over facebook and tell every person I know that this is my last semester here. I haven’t really told many people. I’m not trying to bring attention to myself. I know some of my friends are going to kick me in the butt when they find out I’m not coming back. But that’s life, we adapt, life goes on.

But these friends I’ve made at school over the past couple of school years. They’re different. These connections I have with people are different. I’m not dismissing the validity of the friendships from home. I never seem to truly want to leave the place I’m already at unless I want to get away. Anyways. I’ve grown closer to people in ways I didn’t know I could do. I have people who actually take the time to get to know me better, who actually care to, no obligation. The support I have here differs from what I have at home, friend-wise. Family is different. Family. Wow. The love in my family that my eyes are opening to brings me an internal joy. No, I don’t always get along with everyone all the time, but that’s okay. I’m loved no matter what. I love them no matter what.

Time sure does not wait for you.

I’m excited to go somewhere new, meet new people. It’s not right to compare people. No one gets replaced. Every person is a person, differing from the next person. I don’t think I really want to be at IUP for all 4 years anyhow so when’s a better time then midway to transition to a different school? I do like a change of pace, a new scenery, something fresh, a new start, a new beginning. This is the way I am time and time again, always looking for that new beginning. College is temporary. Make the most out of it while I’m still this young. Nothing wrong with  meeting new people, expanding on who I know in this world. I have no idea who I’ll draw closer to, draw away from, connect with, be distanced with, etc. There’s beauty in the unknown.

I need another power nap. I have to wake back up though and I can’t keep pressing snooze. Either that or get this overwith and sleep after taking the sociology quiz. This has been an interesting school year. Definitely met more people, also drew away from a lot of people, unintentionally so. I guess I lost some friends in a way, just unexpected how that happened. Just kinda sad. Nothing should get in the way of two people being friends. Grudges and bitterness are a waste of energy and time. See the person in a new light, forgive and let go so you can move on.

I like listening to The Eagles. Grew up listening to them. Reminds me of Kent Island, looking for houses, going to the beach, climbing on big rocks, getting in the water even when it’s cold out, eating crabs, breaking into houses for sale lol All this was so long ago. Wow. I was only in 4th grade?? I had to be since we’d go to Kent Island before we found the house we live in now, which I’ve lived in since the summer before 5th grade. I didn’t realize I was that little. I miss when my brother and I were both little, staying up late on the night before the first day of school, getting yelled at, laughing about it, sneaking into each other’s rooms cracking each other up, climbing on the doorways like monkeys, having pet spidermonkeys, beanie baby wars, forts out of cushions in the basement, clubs we’d make with the kids on our street, using the stilts, having contests on the pogo stick, throwing wet paper towels at each other from the bathrooms at the swimming pool-me hitting some other kid by mistake and running back into the girl’s room laughing, watching paul & luke just duke it out, pretend fighting in front of our dog Max to see if he’d guard me-nope he wagged his tail wanting to join in, doing tricks on the trampoline, riding dirtbikes and 4wheelers, walking forever in the woods, dreading korean homework, playing lava and doctor and art class, I taught him cardinal directions with a giant compass made out of construction paper, the fort we’d make out of the pull out bed from the couch, swimming in anyone’s pool, playsleeping, you having to be in the recycle bin lol, you being able to make the best brownies, you coaching me on exercising which I do at first then stop, you pissing people off with racist comments which I knew was so wrong so I bolted from your room so they wouldn’t hear me laughing, boy balloon.

Of course there’s more. Just things I’m not putting on here, not that anyone’s reading this anyway.

I need to write.

Add comment April 22, 2010 ginabayne4

So uhh,

I’m about to lose my mind.
So.
I’ll come back when I get a new one.
Acting like something was wrong-gahhhh, leave me BE.

End.

Add comment April 20, 2010 ginabayne4

I must be some illusion

What about me blinds you to mistake me for perfection?
Do my flaws not show? Do I conceal them incredibly well?
Perhaps you see me smile and remain in a positive mindset all the time.
It’s not human to be in a higher state of mind all the time.
I get low as well. I’m content right now.
But I’ve been getting called ‘perfect’ or ‘cool’ by different people.
I don’t see what you see. You don’t see what I see.
I’m not beating myself up here, I’m being honest with you, with myself.
I am here today because of where I was yesterday and all the days before that.
I am no better of a person than you are.
I do the best I can. Other times I don’t do the best I can.
I can see that there is nothing that will change your perspective on me.
At least I let you know,
you’ve been mistaken.
No person you meet is perfect, even those who seem to have it all down.
They go through their own share of troubles too.
We all just go about it and get through it in different ways and different state of minds.
We choose how we handle situations, people, ourselves, love, life, etc.
Let’s leave it at that.

Add comment April 20, 2010 ginabayne4

Yes, I’ve been sitting here stressing and distracting myself through writing, reading, and drawing. I’ve forbidden myself from facebook yet I always find a different distraction to depend on. You know, I could forbid myself from the laptop entirely and still find distractions. It’s really not hard to. I can walk outside, call up a friend, write, draw, listen to music, dance around my room, lay down, clean, eat, list goes on. So really, it just comes down to pure focus. See what you need to do and go out and do it. I need to make an outline so make an outline.

Music.
Be more specific.
Music in the old west.
Shows. Break it down to what?

Types of performances.
or.
Effects shows had on people.
or.
Types of music.
Research.
The potential I have with writing is most certainly not being used in the english class I’m in. Disappointing. I’m actually cool with english class. Even the tedious one I’m in right now. Didn’t give my all. Anyways.
I need sources. Then I’m going to bed.

http://books.google.com/books?id=FoxQzdXbn5kC&printsec=frontcover&source=gbs_v2_summary_r&cad=0#v=onepage&q&f=false

Add comment April 20, 2010 ginabayne4

blurb on relationships

With no permission, I erase the past
No heartache and mess can last
None of it phases me unless I stop
And think but I don’t do it a lot

I feel like any relationship I’ve been in is just a blur to me. It was like that back then too. First main guy, happened twice, hurt a lot but learned a lot. Second main guy, only lasted a month but everything with him dragged on throughout the year. That’s what you call ridiculous lol I’m just so cool with being single. When I see couples holding hands outside or messing with each other, it makes me smile. I’m happy for them. Yeah I get to daydreaming about a potential boyfriend. I just think whoever I end up with next that he’s worth waiting for. He won’t be the jealous manipulative type. He won’t be the self pity type. It’s one thing about not feeling good about yourself, having a bad day, etc. but to use it against me and bring me down, playing with my heart strings, no thank you. He’ll encourage and uplift me, not drag me down. I don’t want to be with just anyone so I’m not settling. I honestly have no idea what “type” I’ll be with. Just a surprise in the future for me to look forward to. I’ll be happy for the first time within a healthy relationship. That’ll be pretty sweet lol I say no a lot. I get used to saying no. But what will happen when I do meet the right person? Am I going to shut him off too without realizing it? It’s interesting to think about. I’ll end up with someone at some point. Just makes me smile to know that. Makes me wonder what it’ll be like now that I’m older. Will it feel real to me? I don’t think I’ve truly connected with anyone before. Maybe I have, I’ve just blocked it out.

Love doesn’t just live in songs. It’s real. I’m living out my own song.

I like listening to songs like ‘Here in your Arms’, ‘Lucky’, ‘Chasing Cars’, ‘Leavin’, ‘Beautiful Soul’, ‘Check Yes Juliet’, ‘You Found Me’, ‘Naked’, etc. Those kinds of songs lift me up. I’ll be able to relate to them with someone whoever that someone is. They’re sweet. Of course not everything is peaches n creme, the guy won’t be perfect, neither will I. But I like it that way. Why in the world would I want to be with someone who gets everything right every single time? I can’t relate to that ha. Whoever he is, is waiting for me too. We’re both clueless and already in this together.

We spend all this time waiting for the right person. Once you’re together you have the relationship to work on together everyday. New searches and problems arise, but it’s worth it. I don’t think anyone truly wants to be alone.

I guess I stll don’t want to get too personal on here. If anyone’s actually reading this and wants to know anything, ask away.

Add comment April 20, 2010 ginabayne4

Add comment April 19, 2010 ginabayne4