Archive for April 2010
I came across the quote that “positive things happen to positive people”. It makes sense. When you’re in a positive state of mind, you see the good in everything within and around you. When good things happen, you embrace it. Whereas the same ‘good thing’ can happen while you’re in a more negative state of mind and it may not be interpreted as fulfilling, exciting, awesome, you name it. I had to stay away from myown room for a while longer tonight, it was for my own good. I ended up walking around the Zinc Hall area and singing a lot. I sat on the curb for a while looking up into the stars, trees, and moon. There’s beauty laid out across the sky all the time. I think it’s so neat that we can look up at the moon so clearly, that we can see another part of this universe from here, that we have a natural light at night as well as during the day. It makes me think of the view from the moon and from other planets & areas of the universe. This world alone is so beautiful with all the sources of water, oceans, rivers, creeks, trees, flowers, plants, woods, waterfalls, mountains, hills, desert, sand dunes, grass, dirt, list goes on. But imagine the reality of the beauty beyond what we can see here. It amazes me. The size, just wow. How? How can existence be so endless in all directions? If it does end at some point, what’s beyond it? Comparing the size of all existence to the size of my brain comforts me in the fact that I can not fully grasp the reality of the universe. Nature is beautiful.
As I sat there tonight looking up at the sky, I started singing about how I long for what I need. I don’t want to focus on the artificial light, I prefer the light of the stars to enter my heart. How I’m ready to shine like the moon in the sky. This led me to singing out to whoever my future love is. Singing out things like hey sweetie, do you feel lonely? I know you’re waiting for me. I’m waiting for you as well. I love you. I’m thinking about you. I wonder how you’re doing. We probably haven’t met yet but that’s okay. Make sure to get through each day. Be with me. I was joyful singing all of this as if I were really singing out to him, which I was. He just can’t hear me from wherever he is, obviously. Unless he’s some creeper in the bushes, preferably not. But yeah. This positive change within my heart led me to seeing a shooting star in the sky. I made a wonderful wish.
Add comment April 30, 2010
There are too many people to meet, things to experience, life to enjoy to get so caught up on a single instance. Things are not as big as I make them out to be. Yes, I’m overwhelmed, frustrated, and feel way too crowded by one person. I could rant about this person through here but I’m not here to talk negatively about someone else. Others would get the wrong impression because I’m in this state of mind right now. A different state of mind would go on about all the good qualities, times, and such. I am only one person. I have one heart. I have one mind. I can only take in so much but at the same time there’s nothing that will come my way that I can not handle or get through. Take a breather and do just that, breathe.
Add comment April 29, 2010
I don’t like others depending on me for group work, this isn’t good. Because then my actions directly affect them and I don’t want my whatever. Wow. Kay. Later.
I suck at this. I’d rather screw up and be the only one in trouble for it. Whatever. Never seeing these people again most likely. I don’t want to be awake. Well. I do. I’m not tired. Just. I’d rather go outside and take a walk. I feel less alone in a computer lab though, near other people even though I don’t know a single person. Where is my positive self when I need her? Goodness.
Add comment April 29, 2010
Sexuality
Making out/having sex with the same gender doesn’t mean you’re actually gay. I understand that. I agree with it. But if the person you’re with kisses/sexes someone else, no matter which gender, that’s still cheating. It may not ‘mean’ anything but you’re still doing it. Tea Room. And. “I Kissed A Girl”. If you and your partner are cool with it, so be it. But when it comes to me, I’m loyal. I expect loyalty as well.
Add comment April 27, 2010
Change of Heart
No shackles here
Heart is clear
Free to be
To soar and see
Mind is light
What a ride
Add comment April 26, 2010
not here to bring attention to myself
so I’m not plastering my emotions on facebook
i really don’t want this to be the last time to ever see him
I love him and I really want him to get through all of this
to be cured
for me to get a license and see him
for all to go well
for this prayer, plea, to be answered
I have to pull myself together since I’m about to go out in public
crying’s all I can do right now
I don’t want to step out of this room but I have to
I’m there for friends, not myself
I love you
Add comment April 25, 2010
My friend told me the other night or was it last night, I’ve lost track of time a long time ago, but anyhow he told me,
“This isn’t the end. This is the beginning. These aren’t the last 3 weeks. We have the rest of our lives.”
It’ll be different to leave IUP and not come back. And no, I don’t plaster it all over facebook and tell every person I know that this is my last semester here. I haven’t really told many people. I’m not trying to bring attention to myself. I know some of my friends are going to kick me in the butt when they find out I’m not coming back. But that’s life, we adapt, life goes on.
But these friends I’ve made at school over the past couple of school years. They’re different. These connections I have with people are different. I’m not dismissing the validity of the friendships from home. I never seem to truly want to leave the place I’m already at unless I want to get away. Anyways. I’ve grown closer to people in ways I didn’t know I could do. I have people who actually take the time to get to know me better, who actually care to, no obligation. The support I have here differs from what I have at home, friend-wise. Family is different. Family. Wow. The love in my family that my eyes are opening to brings me an internal joy. No, I don’t always get along with everyone all the time, but that’s okay. I’m loved no matter what. I love them no matter what.
Time sure does not wait for you.
I’m excited to go somewhere new, meet new people. It’s not right to compare people. No one gets replaced. Every person is a person, differing from the next person. I don’t think I really want to be at IUP for all 4 years anyhow so when’s a better time then midway to transition to a different school? I do like a change of pace, a new scenery, something fresh, a new start, a new beginning. This is the way I am time and time again, always looking for that new beginning. College is temporary. Make the most out of it while I’m still this young. Nothing wrong with meeting new people, expanding on who I know in this world. I have no idea who I’ll draw closer to, draw away from, connect with, be distanced with, etc. There’s beauty in the unknown.
I need another power nap. I have to wake back up though and I can’t keep pressing snooze. Either that or get this overwith and sleep after taking the sociology quiz. This has been an interesting school year. Definitely met more people, also drew away from a lot of people, unintentionally so. I guess I lost some friends in a way, just unexpected how that happened. Just kinda sad. Nothing should get in the way of two people being friends. Grudges and bitterness are a waste of energy and time. See the person in a new light, forgive and let go so you can move on.
I like listening to The Eagles. Grew up listening to them. Reminds me of Kent Island, looking for houses, going to the beach, climbing on big rocks, getting in the water even when it’s cold out, eating crabs, breaking into houses for sale lol All this was so long ago. Wow. I was only in 4th grade?? I had to be since we’d go to Kent Island before we found the house we live in now, which I’ve lived in since the summer before 5th grade. I didn’t realize I was that little. I miss when my brother and I were both little, staying up late on the night before the first day of school, getting yelled at, laughing about it, sneaking into each other’s rooms cracking each other up, climbing on the doorways like monkeys, having pet spidermonkeys, beanie baby wars, forts out of cushions in the basement, clubs we’d make with the kids on our street, using the stilts, having contests on the pogo stick, throwing wet paper towels at each other from the bathrooms at the swimming pool-me hitting some other kid by mistake and running back into the girl’s room laughing, watching paul & luke just duke it out, pretend fighting in front of our dog Max to see if he’d guard me-nope he wagged his tail wanting to join in, doing tricks on the trampoline, riding dirtbikes and 4wheelers, walking forever in the woods, dreading korean homework, playing lava and doctor and art class, I taught him cardinal directions with a giant compass made out of construction paper, the fort we’d make out of the pull out bed from the couch, swimming in anyone’s pool, playsleeping, you having to be in the recycle bin lol, you being able to make the best brownies, you coaching me on exercising which I do at first then stop, you pissing people off with racist comments which I knew was so wrong so I bolted from your room so they wouldn’t hear me laughing, boy balloon.
Of course there’s more. Just things I’m not putting on here, not that anyone’s reading this anyway.
I need to write.
Add comment April 22, 2010
So uhh,
I’m about to lose my mind.
So.
I’ll come back when I get a new one.
Acting like something was wrong-gahhhh, leave me BE.
End.
Add comment April 20, 2010
I must be some illusion
What about me blinds you to mistake me for perfection?
Do my flaws not show? Do I conceal them incredibly well?
Perhaps you see me smile and remain in a positive mindset all the time.
It’s not human to be in a higher state of mind all the time.
I get low as well. I’m content right now.
But I’ve been getting called ‘perfect’ or ‘cool’ by different people.
I don’t see what you see. You don’t see what I see.
I’m not beating myself up here, I’m being honest with you, with myself.
I am here today because of where I was yesterday and all the days before that.
I am no better of a person than you are.
I do the best I can. Other times I don’t do the best I can.
I can see that there is nothing that will change your perspective on me.
At least I let you know,
you’ve been mistaken.
No person you meet is perfect, even those who seem to have it all down.
They go through their own share of troubles too.
We all just go about it and get through it in different ways and different state of minds.
We choose how we handle situations, people, ourselves, love, life, etc.
Let’s leave it at that.
Add comment April 20, 2010
Yes, I’ve been sitting here stressing and distracting myself through writing, reading, and drawing. I’ve forbidden myself from facebook yet I always find a different distraction to depend on. You know, I could forbid myself from the laptop entirely and still find distractions. It’s really not hard to. I can walk outside, call up a friend, write, draw, listen to music, dance around my room, lay down, clean, eat, list goes on. So really, it just comes down to pure focus. See what you need to do and go out and do it. I need to make an outline so make an outline.
Music.
Be more specific.
Music in the old west.
Shows. Break it down to what?
Types of performances.
or.
Effects shows had on people.
or.
Types of music.
Research.
The potential I have with writing is most certainly not being used in the english class I’m in. Disappointing. I’m actually cool with english class. Even the tedious one I’m in right now. Didn’t give my all. Anyways.
I need sources. Then I’m going to bed.
Add comment April 20, 2010
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