I remain truly ungrateful for the absolutely wonderful friends who have connected and stayed in my life thus far here at IUP. Throughout my life I will be in situations of faking smiles to make others feel as if the excitement is returned. It’s as if every hug is a mixture of feeling hurt, angry, depressed, thankful, excited, heartwarming, yet dead. I am dead inside. not literally you technical bastard. I carry a sorrowful heart wherever I go. It’s a damn shame. I need to be thankful and live up this fucking weekend. I will hate myself in retrospect, I know this. I don’t even want to come back again in the Spring. Damnit. Rather sleep and go home in the morning. Fuck this shit. I need to be there HAPPY AND FUCKING JOYFUL with friends….fjasdljf;askdjfl;aksdjf. fosdifj
Add comment November 14, 2010 ginabayne4
last night feels so long ago and unreal
too good to be true
picture and a hug would’ve made all the difference in the world. well, my world.
Add comment June 11, 2010 ginabayne4
Writing out to no one, for once
No direction, No audience
No consciousness of who hears
Takes away the worry of what to include
Sometimes my mind is my own best friend
Other times it destroys as an enemy would
I have no enemies apart from my occasional self
This is a great achievement,
except for when thoughts linger for too long
The weight of a thought is the weight on a heart
My mind sure is heavy tonight
Rarely do you find one lighter than the other
Last night I could not stop smiling
My heart was set free, the sky shined down on me
Here I am under a dark cloud I’ve drawn for myself
Looking for the brighter crayon
Last night was amazing, Tonight was rushed
I must keep in mind, I’m the one who left
Not knowing his thoughts at all, keeps me buried
For I jump to all these conclusions, which won’t save me
Lighten up you think too much
You are truly loved
There is nothing more to ask for, than hugs and everlasting love
Rest your soul, Fly into dreams
They await your next newfound journeys
So much life to explore
I feel done
Pretty done
Man I hate overthinking things
Hoping this changes soon
Add comment June 11, 2010 ginabayne4
Throw the past away, within a second of man-made time
His hug was more meaningful than yours
I thought we were closer than that
You’re gone, my time to leave too
You moved on so very long ago
I’ve been holding onto nothing so
My eyes have opened to my empty hands
Reality settles in,
I am far gone
Not a fan of the superficial and that is all I feel here
You mean well, this I know
My heart chooses to no longer linger
See you around,
Old friend
Add comment June 11, 2010 ginabayne4
Peace At Last
He gets me, they don’t despite knowing me longer
Quantity is a number while quality holds depth, value
My younger self has painted the extremes of me;
Hyper, excited, childish, carefree along with cold, distant, heavyhearted
The current state of my soul is at a balance,
Peacefully gazing at the bigger picture compared to those, individuals see alone
“There is a time to live and a time to die”,
So much more letting go to do than I had originally forseen
Having done so allows me to feel light as a feather,
Waiting on the wind to drift me along the air of this town.
Not knowing where it will lay me to rest, but I can assure you
God has it covered as my heart sings me to sleep
For all who are not me, who don’t have my mind or share my concerns,
You do not block me from freedom
For I have found a way to feel free no matter the surrounding
Life’s beauty amazes me,
soothing my aches with wonder,
God loves me and so do I.
He fills in this void of mine, no one else
I have all I need,
therefore; peace at last.
Add comment May 22, 2010 ginabayne4
Hey Class
It is NEVER too late to make a new friend, it really isn’t. I love meeting and getting to know people, I love people. I’m so happy and thankful that I got to meet Susie today. She’s a positive influence and it was absolutely wonderful to spend time with her after class today instead of the regular ‘hey what’s up?’ situation. I do see potential in our newfound friendship. My main regret through this semester when it comes to Marlen’s class is letting my own state of mind hinder me from coming to class or talking to people, getting to know you guys. I absolutely love how you all became a family. It’s precious. This is an experience in which you all share and no one can ever take away from you. There are so many personalities within one classroom with every personality being shown instead of completely hidden. Marlen, you impact so many lives and I’m so glad that other lives are impacting you greatly as well. You’re not only giving giving giving, you are also receiving. You do beautiful work. You being so open with yourself inspires others to be open with themselves. We tend to hide different parts of ourselves but why is that? It seems to me that sharing who we are comes with more opportunities, experiences, positive changes, and benefits compared to holding back a whole bunch. I have a voice. You seeked it. I showed it. I still have comfort zones. I still get shy. I still have no idea what to say at times. I get quiet. I get reserved. But all of that can slowly wash away so that I may be more open and free. The more we share the less we hold in. The less we hold in, the lighter the load. The lighter the load, the more free we feel. It’s time to do what it takes to be free. Be me. Be you. We’ll all be ourselves, share who we are, connect, laugh, cry, hurt, love, rant, talk, listen, walk, run, dance; beautiful.
Add comment May 4, 2010 ginabayne4
Outstretched Hands
Simply thankful
I’m being used for good things
Feels refreshing
Important to stay on track,
To help others get on or stay on track
I have love to give, a heart to share
Why keep it all to myself?
We all make a difference in this world
All of us
We get to choose what kind through what we say and do
Which branches off of the way we think
Pain leads to strength, endurance
Which leads to helping others when they need strength and hope
My heart is drawn to those who need it
I love being here
Glad to be me of all people
Might feel insane at times, but I’m okay
There is nothing I can not pull through
God is with me, always there waiting for me to talk to him
And when I really do,
I feel free, focus on what’s good and fulfilling
God lifts me up so that I may share what he’s done for me,
so that others know He can do the same for them
It’s an ongoing cycle, lifting one another up
Never hold back on lending a hand
You really don’t know who truly needs it
You just may touch a heart or two
Go for it
Add comment May 4, 2010 ginabayne4
I came across the quote that “positive things happen to positive people”. It makes sense. When you’re in a positive state of mind, you see the good in everything within and around you. When good things happen, you embrace it. Whereas the same ‘good thing’ can happen while you’re in a more negative state of mind and it may not be interpreted as fulfilling, exciting, awesome, you name it. I had to stay away from myown room for a while longer tonight, it was for my own good. I ended up walking around the Zinc Hall area and singing a lot. I sat on the curb for a while looking up into the stars, trees, and moon. There’s beauty laid out across the sky all the time. I think it’s so neat that we can look up at the moon so clearly, that we can see another part of this universe from here, that we have a natural light at night as well as during the day. It makes me think of the view from the moon and from other planets & areas of the universe. This world alone is so beautiful with all the sources of water, oceans, rivers, creeks, trees, flowers, plants, woods, waterfalls, mountains, hills, desert, sand dunes, grass, dirt, list goes on. But imagine the reality of the beauty beyond what we can see here. It amazes me. The size, just wow. How? How can existence be so endless in all directions? If it does end at some point, what’s beyond it? Comparing the size of all existence to the size of my brain comforts me in the fact that I can not fully grasp the reality of the universe. Nature is beautiful.
As I sat there tonight looking up at the sky, I started singing about how I long for what I need. I don’t want to focus on the artificial light, I prefer the light of the stars to enter my heart. How I’m ready to shine like the moon in the sky. This led me to singing out to whoever my future love is. Singing out things like hey sweetie, do you feel lonely? I know you’re waiting for me. I’m waiting for you as well. I love you. I’m thinking about you. I wonder how you’re doing. We probably haven’t met yet but that’s okay. Make sure to get through each day. Be with me. I was joyful singing all of this as if I were really singing out to him, which I was. He just can’t hear me from wherever he is, obviously. Unless he’s some creeper in the bushes, preferably not. But yeah. This positive change within my heart led me to seeing a shooting star in the sky. I made a wonderful wish.
Add comment April 30, 2010 ginabayne4
There are too many people to meet, things to experience, life to enjoy to get so caught up on a single instance. Things are not as big as I make them out to be. Yes, I’m overwhelmed, frustrated, and feel way too crowded by one person. I could rant about this person through here but I’m not here to talk negatively about someone else. Others would get the wrong impression because I’m in this state of mind right now. A different state of mind would go on about all the good qualities, times, and such. I am only one person. I have one heart. I have one mind. I can only take in so much but at the same time there’s nothing that will come my way that I can not handle or get through. Take a breather and do just that, breathe.
Add comment April 29, 2010 ginabayne4
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